Yesterday marked 2 months since Goldie was born. These months have flown by, as time seems to do.
After Goldie passed and we spent the first few weeks just laying low going to the beach, going on hikes, and getting out of town for a few days. It was a good time to dwell on nothing but Goldie and draw close to God. Friends, family, and strangers were brining us meals, flowers, gifts, and cards. We have been so overwhelmed with the love we have felt from the people around us.
Since then life has been getting back to “normal”. David is back to working, and Poppy and I are getting the house back to it’s better (cleaner) state. We’re loving getting together with friends again for meals and we feel happy day to day. Some days are harder than others, but overall we have peace and contentment.
It has been amazing to read the comments and emails from everyone that responded to reading Goldie’s story on the blog or following along on Instagram. We have read messages about perspectives being changed, faith being restored, people without faith praying for the first time, mom’s finding comfort and healing in their own loss. It has truly been incredible seeing the way that God has been spreading Goldie’s story and using it for his glory. We are so encouraged to hear that her life had an impact on anybody’s faith the same way that it did on ours because that it makes everything worth it to us!
Last week I went to visit the Dr that delivered Goldie. He’s not my usual OBGYN he was just on shift that night at the hospital but I thought I should go see him to follow up. He hadn’t heard yet that Goldie had passed and he was very interested to know if they figured anything out about her condition. A question that thankfully doesn’t keep us up at night. We talked about all the details of the birth, and he told me that was the most difficult delivery he has experienced, which is pretty crazy for me to hear, and nice to talk about the details with him. I go through different phases of wanting to think about the birth and other times when it’s too much for me. But, most of the time I (strangely) want to relive it in my thoughts.
We also talked about trying for another baby down the road and he told me when he thinks physically it would be safe to try again. He also talked about when it is “safe” emotionally, he assured me that “God is fair” and the odds of this happening again aren’t likely. But he recommended not trying again until we are ready to go through another trauma, and are emotionally able to lose another child – just in case. Which is good advice, and got me thinking. We had no idea that this would happen with Goldie. We didn’t know that she was sick until that first time that we saw her on July 10th. Of course during pregnancy you think about your baby being sick or disabled but you don’t actually expect it to happen. You never think that you are going to be that family. But someone will be, and you most likely won’t get a warning sign.
The Dr encouraging me to be emotionally prepared for another loss, made me think about always be prepared for a “loss”. We’re going to go through lows in life whether it’s losing a loved one or another form of disappointment & heartbreak. And when those times come without a Dr giving us the heads up to prepare ourselves we need something strong to hold on to. Roots already deep, firmly planted in what we believe. So that we are able to stand against those painful days or years and find that light at the end of the tunnel.
I will forever be grateful that God prepared us in all of the little ways that he did for this unexpected journey that blindsided us this summer. It’s interesting for me to think back on situations of the past few years where I felt like I didn’t know ‘why’, and now I can see that God was setting us up for this. He somehow turned our tragedy into the most eye opening, and life changing journey we’ve been on. To feel joy & peace through loss is something we couldn’t have accomplished on our own.