We knew at some point Goldie was most likely going to need to make the transfer to Children’s Hospital, where they have more specialized resources that she needs for her heart and other conditions. And on wednesday morning they finally felt she was stable enough to make the move.
When they came in to tell us that Goldie was being transferred, and that we would be leaving Ronald McDonald House, at Surrey Memorial Hospital within the hour, it was really hard and upsetting for me.
In the midst of all this craziness Ronald McDonald House was the one piece of stability for us and little Poppy. We were sleeping only a short hallway away from the NICU and Baby Goldie, had finally gotten Poppy comfortable with sleeping in a new place, and was well set up there for what we expected to be at least a couple weeks. It made me sick to know I wouldn’t be in the same building as Goldie once we reached Children’s, and that Poppy would once again have everything changed and unfamiliar. Regardless, through my tears, we quickly packed our room and went to the NICU to watch Goldie get prepped for the transfer.
Watching the 10+ doctors, nurses, and paramedics prep her for transfer was the most stressful and emotional hour and a half of my life. Even more so than the birth. Which was such a blur of chaos. But this, this was sitting and watching her heart rate & oxygen levels go up and down as they switched each machine over. Wondering if her tiny body could handle the move. Once they were confident she was stable, they airlifted her to BC Children’s Hospital. We rushed to the parking lot to follow by car, and watched as our tiny, sick girl whirled away over head in the helicopter.
By the time we arrived she had been set up and stabilized in the Children’s NICU and was already receiving care beyond what she had before. I was comforted knowing that even though this felt harder for our family, it was definitely the best option for what our Goldie needed.
Leaving my baby girl at the hospital that night and even just going just 15 minutes away, to stay with David’s brother, was heart breaking for me. I felt so far away from her and like I couldn’t be there to support her as a mother. I sat up most of the night crying, praying, journaling, calling the nurses for updates, and comforting Poppy as she tried to settle in yet another unfamiliar place.
Yesterday we were put up in housing within walking distance of the hospital and can stay here for 4 nights, so even just this short term stability feels really good for us right now, and we’re so thankful to be able to be at Goldie’s side within minutes.
Last night was David’s and my 4th anniversary. My mom brought us a picnic & wine and we went to a park close to the hospital, and enjoyed it. It was really good for us to escape for an hour and let our hearts settle down a little bit.
On our way back we stopped in the NICU to say goodnight to Goldie and when we arrived she was having a really hard time. The nurse was letting Goldie hold her hand as our babe was so shaken up from the pain of having her neck wound worked on. We held Goldie’s hand and whispered comforting words into her ear as she winced, wiggled and slightly moaned from the pain – the first sounds i’ve heard her make.
Her neck wound from delivery is worse then they originally realized, it’s quite a large open wound to the blood vessels and her skin is so extremely delicate that it is very hard for it to heal.
As they upped her pain medication, I laid my head on Goldie’s incubator for a while and waited for her to settle before saying goodnight, and then kissed her on the head for the first time.
At 3:30am we were woken up by a call from the doctor letting us know that Goldie was still stable, but not doing well and that we needed to come in to discuss options.
When we arrived they had medicated her body so it was mostly paralyzed, since she still wasn’t coping well with the pain and her lungs were now 100% dependent on the oxygen she is receiving. The doctor discussed options for courses of action with us, asking how invasive we want to get with different surgeries and the risks they each involve. Presenting the option of removing her oxygen tube and getting the opportunity to just hold her during her last few moments alive, or continuing as we are with her body most likely deteriorating and knowing that we may not be there when and if her little body decides to give up.
Decisions you think and hope you’ll never be faced with but ones we are being forced to make.
We don’t want to feel like we are “playing God,” and have peace in the decision to, presently, not do any extreme, high risk or invasive surgeries that only have a 50/50 chance of helping. We also don’t want to give up treating her, just to secure that moment of holding Goldie alive. We don’t feel like that is our decision to make – I would have more peace with a phone call telling us that her body decided to give up rather than watch it happen in my arms. We have found a middle ground where we will continue to support her organs and go about less high risk procedures in hopes that her body responds well to them. We are thankful to have amazing doctors to help guide us in these decisions that seem impossible to make.
Right now her abdomen is filling with an excessive amount of fluid because her veins are not strong enough to hold it in, this is putting pressure on all her organs not allowing them to function properly. One of the main concerns is that her kidney’s aren’t functioning properly. They aren’t clearing the toxins from her body and producing urine, the main thing we hope for everyday is to see more urine come out to know that the kidneys are starting to do their job. An ultrasound this morning revealed that there is bleeding in her brain as well. Today they are starting a procedure of inserting catheters into her abdomen in hopes that they will drain some of the fluid that is causing so much pressure on the organs. So we are at a place of taking it step by step, seeing what her body does and how long it chooses to keep fighting. Knowing that each visit to her could be our last and every time we rest waiting for the call that this is it.
We feel comfortable in our decision to let the doctors continue to do the procedures they see as necessary and wait to see how Goldie’s body responds to them. Knowing that at the moment she is getting worse but leaving the space there for God to do his work and either perform a miracle and heal her body or let it slowly continue to fail. We have a strong faith that God already has his plans for Goldie, whether her purpose has already been filled or if she will grow to have a story to tell we can rest in the fact that His hand is on her and His will will be done.
Read Part 1 of Goldie’s story “Welcome Goldie Bloom”
Read Part 3 of Goldie’s story “Saying Goodbye to Goldie”
*I have disabled comments on this post since we are sharing some very big emotional decisions we are making we ask that you keep your opinions to yourself. Thank you for all your support, we really appreciate your prayers.